Things that I hate #6: Chain Emails

If you like to forward chain emails to me, then you are an ass and I don't just hate you, your face or the annoying chain emails you send. I don't just hate that you have fingers and have learned to operate a computer. I actually hate the fact that you were born; I hate that in an act of cosmic humor, a great big lark played on the Earth and all of mankind, you became more than just a wriggling sperm cell. I even hate your father's testicles for producing you.

Your pompous, cavalier assumption is that I actually need the good luck charm benefits your chain emails claim to offer if only I'm willing to annoy the bejesus out of my friends by forwarding it to them. Well what if I am naturally lucky on my own on the worst of days? What if I'm knee-deep in poontang and champagne off the coast of some Mediterranean isle free from all troubles? Hell, my 401k gains this year are at 31.98% despite all the financial woes most are going through. What about that, Mr. Crap-Stain?

Next, and this is where it gets good: Your chain email then has the balls TO THREATEN ME. “If you don’t send this email to at least 10 of your friends or family, then *INSERT BAD THING* will happen to you within *N* hours!” Yeah idiot, well played. You win the prize! I’ll get right on forwarding your TERRORISTIC THREAT to all my buddies so I can end up like you, sitting in my Mom's basement with no friends, drinking warm Fanta & writing chain emails.

And why the devil do you always have to add some hokey, happy horsecrap story to your already horrible chain emails? Here's an actual chain email which a now ex-friend sent to me:

Subject: The daughter of a soldier

Last week I was in Atlanta, Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest act's of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camo's, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well, almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering. When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal. Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi," the little girl then she asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her. The young soldier, he didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up. When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking walkie-talkie. They started
playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.

After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you" He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event unfolded. As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, their were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American. If you love America and support our troops, then forward this on to 10 people.

Here's a nice idea. You can use this template below completely free of any ownership rights or claims by myself. Every time you get a chain email sent to you, respond with this:

To my dearest mate...

This is the hardest letter I’ve had to write. I must admit to a life where I’ve been quite selfish, having never really given our friendship more than a fleeting thought and quite freely taking for granted what is truly most important during our short lives on this planet:

FRIENDSHIP

Three days ago I was diagnosed with inoperable cancer of the brain. Due to the tumor’s location, specifically that it is quite near a massive complex of blood vessels, the most that can be done for me is to allow me to wait for the inevitable conclusion of my life.

The pain isn’t too unbearable yet but I am told that will be changing for the worse day by day. I just hope that in the next 4 to 6 weeks I have left, I can see you perhaps just once more before I’m too weak and incoherent to know the difference.

Mate, I truly hope you can forgive me for not being a better friend to you. If you could find it within your heart to forgive me my shortcomings, you’d certainly be a better person than I am BECAUSE I SIMPLY REFUSE TO FORGIVE YOU FOR FORWARDING ALL OF THE CHAIN EMAILS I’VE GOTTEN FROM YOU OVER THE PAST GOD-KNOWNS-HOW-LONG.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE! I DON’T LIKE CHAIN EMAILS! ANYONE KNOWS THAT CHAIN EMAILS ARE ANNOYING BUT APPARENTLY GOD WAS FRESH OUT OF SPARE BRAINS WHEN HE MADE YOU. HERE’S ANOTHER ONE THAT’LL WOW YOU. I ALSO DON’T HAVE CANCER BUT I CERTAINLY WISH YOU DID. MAYBE THAT WAY I’D GET A BREAK FROM YOU AND YOUR ANNOYING ABILITY TO SEND ME THIS CRAP. FRANKLY, I WONDER WHAT I EVER SAW IN YOU AS A POTENTIAL FRIEND THE FIRST TIME WE MET. I HOPE YOU SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND BURN IN HELL.

That'll stop it.